Being There For Friends

Matthew Perry's tribute on Max. PHOTO: MAX

The unfortunate news struck the world this weekend that Matthew Perry, who played the beloved Chandler Bing on Friends, passed away on Saturday, October 28th.

He was only 54 years old.

I read his memoir, Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing, when it came out. It provided a lot of information about Perry’s life that was surprising to those on the outside looking in. Namely, it discussed “The Big Terrible Thing” of addiction quite extensively.

Chandler Bing was the representation of everything that Matthew Perry wished to be. He was funny, charismatic, and had a great group of people who cared about him and wanted to spend all their time by his side. Chandler ended up finding love and succeeding in life.

But what Matthew Perry’s book revealed is that he didn’t feel that way about himself all the time. He was eaten up with feelings of discontentment and not being good enough. He was under the massive thumb of addiction over the course of much of his life, and he struggled along the way. He noted in his memoir that you can see his struggles through the course of the show as he fluctuates weight depending on the substance he was using.

After numerous stints in rehab, surgeries, and lost relationships, Perry found a path toward self-help and creating opportunities for others to find their way toward sobriety. He never turned someone down when they asked for help toward a sober lifestyle. He opened a rehabilitation center for men to help them get clean. He was giving back to help others because he cared so deeply for other people, despite having such a hard time feeling the same way about himself.

I would venture to say that there are people in your life who feel this same way. They may come to work and put on a smile. They may be the class clown, cracking jokes and being everyone’s go-to funny guy. They may seem like they have their whole life put together and enjoy every waking second that they spend on this Earth.

But as Matthew Perry taught us, there are sometimes things living beneath the surface. People struggle with their identity and self-worth. They are fighting feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression. They are casting people aside and distancing themselves because they don’t feel like they deserve anyone’s attention, care, or love.

What’s important to recognize is that friends show up for each other. They make an effort to get to know what’s going on and what lies beneath the surface. Sometimes, they reach out to just make sure that someone feels remembered and loved. To Matthew Perry, this person was Jennifer Aniston. She would reach out to him continually after Friends went off the air. She would check-in on him and see how he was doing. She was someone who showed up just like the group of friends always did for Chandler.

Addiction controls people in so many ways. It impacts their emotions and feelings of self. By being there for others and showing up, you can make a difference. You can be someone they can rely on. You can be the voice of reason when they are spinning in the middle of the night and don’t know what to do. You can let them know that if they ever need anything, that you are just a call away. That you will show up. And that they aren’t alone.

Not everyone can be saved, and unfortunately addictions can become too much to bear. But we can make the effort to show up for those around us. To call and ask how people are doing. To ask meaningful questions and get to the root of behaviors that may seem out of place. We can be someone’s strength when they can’t stand on their own.

Too many people are going about the world wearing a mask to hide their true sense of self. They are covering their feelings through smiles and jokes. They are struggling to put on so much of an act so that no one suspects that, on the inside, they are falling apart.

For Matthew Perry, he had to navigate this process. He had to process the impact of Friends not being enough to solve all his issues. He had to figure out what it looked like to be vulnerable and give himself over to the care of others. He sought the assistance of God when all else seemed lost. Meanwhile, he showed up for others he cared about, and he still made a whole generation laugh at his antics.

Matthew Perry found his purpose. As much as he wished it was for stardom and fame, it wasn’t as much of that as he anticipated. Instead, it was to help others. To be an example for those like him to follow. He wrote a book to talk about all his experiences. He opened a center to help those struggling with addiction. He embodied Chandler Bing and found a way to be content with his life and his purpose.

I’d encourage you to be that person to those around you. Check on them. Care for them. Make it a point to understand where they are and provide help when needed. Be an example for others to follow and lean on others when you need help along the way. If we could each live our lives with a little more of the intentionality of Matthew Perry, the world would be a better place. As the theme of the hit TV show reminds, being there for each other is what it’s all about.

To Matthew Perry, I’d like to say thanks for always being there when I needed a pick me up. Sick days from school. Nights spent alone. Days wishing for something more. Your character, charisma, and personality on Friends helped me through. Your book also encouraged me to live a life focused on others and recognizing the good things about myself.

Thanks for always showing up. For the laughs. For the inspiration to do better.

You are missed by so many.