What I Learned from Being a Police Officer

The day I graduated the police academy was on par with graduating college. It was exhilarating to finally stand in full dress blue uniform with a shiny new badge and a gun on my hip. I had spent the last several months going through all kinds of training in preparation for taking the oath and joining the ranks of the local police department.

Seven months prior, I had accepted the job. I was a kid filled with wonder, watching the officers start their shifts and file out to their patrol cars with shotguns and duty bags. There was always this sense of jovial start of shift jitters. It was as if everyone was ready to see what the day, or night, would throw at them. The city was there for the taking. It was as if you were Batman going out into the night to fight the bad guys and corral the monsters.

Through months of workouts, classroom academics, and firearms training, I learned what it meant to be a cop. I was taught how to carry myself, have command presence, and make quick decisions. I was taught case precedent, state law, and city ordinances. I learned the ins and outs of driving fast, shooting accurately, and fighting with your head first.

The academy brought our class together where we explored these topics even further. We formed a bond by going through a common experience. We would joke about the day when our plastic blue guns in our holsters would be the real thing. How the criminals of the world better watch out, because we were going to be the best they had ever seen.

In a word, it was fun. I had more fun during those 13 weeks of the academy than nearly any other time in my life. Sure, there were difficult moments. There were times where I messed up and embarrassed myself or we had to chew someone out for doing something stupid. But overall, we were learning how to be a part of the culture. We were gaining respect, not just from each other, but from the community. It felt like it mattered.

After graduation, the real world was a mine field. I spent night after night learning how to walk my beat in just the right way to locate the mines and avoid them. In other words, I had to learn the territory. I had to learn how to talk to people in the right way to gain compliance. It was necessary to understand all the different nuances to taking a report and what had to be done on the paperwork side of policing (spoiler alert: there’s much more than they show on TV). When things did pop off, I had to learn how to act quickly, safely, and correctly. A misstep in a bad situation could mean a detonation.

The mines were plentiful, but the game of understanding how to navigate the landscape was intoxicating. It was a new adventure every shift, and at twenty-two years old I felt like I would never want to give up such an exciting career. It was everything I wanted. I was the badass among my friends. I had the best stories. I was respected in the community. I was a hero to little kids who wanted stickers and autographs. It was amazing.

But over time, as many things do, my feelings began to change. I was working all the time. I was tired of the same people doing the same stupid stuff repeatedly. I was sick of having to arrest them again only to have them released the next day to start everything back up. I was caught up in the mediocrity of the day to day. The days of my youth were gone when every shift felt like an opportunity to save the world. I was now fighting complacency and the sense that every day was the same bullshit of cleaning up everyone else’s mess.

Sure, there were times of happiness in those years too. I had a great working relationship with my shift mates. We had plenty of laughs and had a lot of fun catching calls, finding dope, and chasing down suspects. But the actual impact of the job had lessened.

Just shy of six years in, things took a turn. A buddy I started with was shot several times and fought to survive the attack. Three months later, I experienced the loss of a fellow officer in the line of duty for the first time as a result of gun violence. Two other officers were shot in the same incident. Four months later, I knew another officer who was gunned down by a suspect during a foot pursuit.

This wasn’t fun anymore. I spent years thinking I was on top of the world with the best job of all my friends. I ended up feeling like I was duped into a job that I had no way out of and was at risk of something happening to me. This was selfish given the circumstances at the time, but I felt like I saw myself laying in those caskets.

I talked with my wife, we examined some options as we discussed the future and what we wanted from our life together. I decided I wanted to be a present father. I didn’t want to be working overtime or night shift to make ends meet. I wanted to put the life of a police officer in the rearview and start out on a new path.

The day I left policing was one of the hardest. I felt like I lost a piece of my identity. I reflected on the pride I felt on my graduation day from the academy, and I felt a sting of sadness that I was leaving that behind me to pursue a new career. I wasn’t sure I was making the right decision, but I had to take a leap of faith.

I wish I could say that I left and nothing bad ever happened again, but that would be a lie. Nine years after the academy graduation, to the day, I saw my classmates again. We were all together for the first time since April 2014. All except one of us.

One of our classmates was killed on a domestic violence call as a result of gun violence. The third officer I knew killed in the line of duty. We all attended his funeral on the ninth anniversary of our graduation. We threw a big party in remembrance of his life, and we reminisced on our time in the academy and over the years as police officers. All but a handful had left the job behind. Policing was only a memory and a source for some good stories. But for most of us, it wasn’t part of our daily life anymore.

Through these experiences, I learned so many things. The biggest thing I learned was appreciation. This comes in so many forms, but probably the biggest is appreciation for my wife and family. They stood by me as I put in countless hours in a dangerous job. They iced my wounds when I came home bruised and battered. They encouraged me when I struggled to get out of bed and make the next shift. They also supported me when I left.

I also have an appreciation for normal hours. Sleeping at night and working during the day is definitely the correct order. I learned to appreciate my time, having friends outside of the job, and going to church. I found my path back to my true self only after losing so much of myself in the quagmire of a difficult career.

I learned that people are mostly good. Despite the violence that had been inflicted on people I knew and the difficult things I witnessed on the job, I realized that this was only a small fraction of the world. Most people believed in the police. They supported us. When we buried our officers, they lined the streets for miles for the funeral procession waving American flags and saluting the motorcade. People are good and they care for the pillars of our justice system.

While I still struggle with this one sometimes, I also developed patience. I learned that things can wait. Work can wait. Emails can wait. When people get upset, it’s at the circumstances and not because of me. People get so caught up in the day to day, that the finite time on this planet is forgotten. When you experience the loss of people around you, it tends to remind you that there is more to life than work, bills, and overtime. You learn to be patient and you find a way to be happy with where you are because at least you’re still here.

One of the most significant things I learned is my worth. This was not all at once or a sublime moment of self-realization. Instead, it was a progression over time. I had many highs and lows. I felt moments of beaming pride and I also encountered extreme moments of loneliness and heartache. I questioned who I was and what I stood for. I separated my identity into cards on a table, but I learned over time that it’s a more complex system than that. I look back and realize I did the best I could. I know my worth now as a person that was forged through the fire of so many difficult shifts, calls, and years.

I learned to be happy. I found my path toward a strong relationship and married the girl of my dreams. We worked together to build a home and a life together with a four legged friend and plans for a family. I am not completely healed from the wounds that I once had, the scar tissue still remains. But I have learned to be comfortable with who I am as a person and not just as a cop. For so many years, my personality and identity was intertwined in this idea of my job. After leaving, I found a way to just be me and feel that same sense of pride about who I am that I felt when I stood in front of the mirror on the morning of my academy graduation.

Policing taught me so many things about the world, people, and myself. It was the adventure of a lifetime, and I miss it frequently. I am so thankful for so many people out there who still walk the line to protect their communities from the monsters in the dark. When you see them, give them a wave and a “thank you”. They deserve it. While they may look sharp in their uniform and well put together, keep in mind that they are people too and may not be as well put together inside. They are going to work and being away from their family to earn a check just like the rest of us. And they are still learning every day along the way. For the police, some days will be harder than others. Some stuff will stick in their spirit for the rest of their lives. But each shift is a learning experience, and it’s a fast track to an education unlike anything else in the world.